I like to daydream, even more during my teenage years. When I was 13, I felt pretty upset about life and decided to contemplate and figure out how I should live my life and make things as simple as things can be. That time, I know that I will grow up one day, to face working life, and to imagine what kind of work that I should do and I can imagine doing for the rest of my life. So I took the entire day, lying in my bed figuring out things that makes me happy. The one thing that provokes this warm feeling in my heart was when the image of a dolphin comes to mind. Yes, i am fascinated with marine life and I thought, someday, i could be a marine biologist or to do something with the ocean. I then decided that that should be my aim/goal/direction and only remember the word 'marine' simply because it induces happiness.

When I was 17, I failed six out of nine subjects in school. I was in the science stream, and was lost and depressed about life (yes, teenage life indeed). i was in the darkest pit in life, that i didnt care about exams and contemplated leaving home and work right after high school. But... it came to me that i'll be 18 soon and need to choose a career path or a college course that will lead me to where I want to go. And then, I remembered the word 'marine'. At that time, the major exam was near and I realized that I should be bucking up in my studies from failing 6 subjects to getting a Grade 1 in my SPM... I dont really know what happened but I could remember being in the room for 3 weeks surrounded by books trying to absorb as much information as I could for 2 years of syllabi being tested. I pulled through SPM from failing 6 subjects to getting 4 A's and a total aggregate of 17. the 'marine' saved my soul and life.
when I went into college, i was discouraged to take up marine science because there was no future here in Malaysia for this type of field. So, I decided to take up mass communication, which in the end, i ended up switching back to science based subjects because I refused to close the door to 'marine'. i went into quite a bit of a trouble to stay in science field, and ended up graduating in biotechnology degree 6 years after i graduated from high school. (a lot of trouble indeed). somewhere in between, i felt that i was getting out of touch with my passion of life, and volunteered for the zoo, and managed to fork out some money to travel to Koh Tao and take my Open Water license. I usually do not share these feelings openly but I could never be happier. It's really like living a dream.

During my college/undergraduate days, there werent much diving activities that I can afford so I have only managed to log less than 10 dives after 4 years of getting my license. Of course, I have been backpacking and widening my horizon, but that aspect of life was for the purpose of testing my level of independence. Diving activities during backpacking doesn't go very well because of the financial factor. I dont think it's that cheap to dive and what more when I am backpacking.

Now that I am in the science field, I tried to stick to research field associated with marine, and started with marine food. Well.. it isnt much but it's a start. Unfortunately, the marine product is categorized under food and I am generally doing research in food. Anyway, it didnt matter to me because I enjoy research anyway and generally, I do believe that research can be applicable to any science field. I am bound to finish my Masters and am now at the final stage of writing my thesis for submission. For some reason, I feel depressed, like finally being here, I'm almost 26, and still have not started earning a stable income to save my neck. Compared to my peers who are earning more than 5k or some 5-digits salary, I am an absolute loser. While some live their life, meet people and marry the love of their life, I have nothing in any of those aspect. All I have is this passion of the word 'marine'.

You know... whether it is in relationships/physical attributes/intelligence/attractiveness or anything, I do not have any of those. I also failed all those even if I tried. The thing about life is that it has always been unfair and it sucks but it's not the end. I am a loser but I have something in life that I know can save me in times of depression. I think the hardest thing for a person to overcome is their feelings. Like getting over someone and the feelings they had for someone is never easy no matter how tough they are. In fact, the tougher the person, the harder it is for them to get over something that emotional because tough people are tough because they know they are weak inside. it's a self defense for survival. human instinct.
At this stage of life, all grown up and matured, measured against my peers, I think it's rather normal to be ostracized/alienated/depressed because I am old and I have come a long way, not to let life leads me but to live my life the way I want it. There's nothing great about me, no income, not intelligent, not talented, not brilliant, forgettable and insignificant. It's natural for people to judge my unworthiness and to show support to me of my pitiful life... Depressing but... so what?

Sometimes when life becomes so overwhelming in the attempt to try to make myself more useful, I forget about the thing that makes me happy. Some people define happiness with love, like the many weddings that I have attended and how happy I feel for them, I guess love has no room for me at this point of life. But, I do have a passion. I think there's only a fine line that separates love and passion, both with the equal magnitude to change how we feel about life and I am glad, that I clinged to this passion for years and never letting it go. My passion for the marine life enhances everytime I dive, and everytime I dive, I feel more alive and that life is worthwhile. When I feel alive, I am ready to face the world all over again and everything is okay. That is how much diving meant to me because it makes happiness comes to life.

I dont know how I can afford diving when I have to pay for my study loans, insurances and monthly expenses and that I'm only a postgraduate student. But I do know that this is happening because I want to do and I'm glad that I am diving.