2008

What have I done?

It didnt feel like as if I have done anything at all. In fact, it felt like I have wasted an entire year. So... I thought maybe I should think about what are my regrets this year and change to a better person next year. :D

What I couldnt achieve this year, in terms of life, was to finish my MSc studies and graduate. Partly was due to my inability & incompetence to produce enough manuscripts to expedite my examination process. Other than that, it was also due to my own lack of seriousness towards my work and thesis submission which is why NOW, i am stuck at this stage and end up here. As of end of 2008, I have no savings to save my life, and have bad financial management (not to mention time management) so, I would dare to say that my biggest regret is to have never planned my time and expenses properly.

My 2009 resolution would be to discipline myself all over again, to teach myself responsibilities of being an ADULT. In short, to grow up.

2008 was an interesting year in terms of travel. I supposed I had my priorities wrong when I spent my money on taking 5 diving specialties and went to Sipadan... Although I wanted to gain my Master scuba diver license this year, but I am unable to afford the EFR license therefore, it has been postponed to a later date, hopefully in 2009. Then again, since 2009 is the beginning of my financial crisis year, I supposed it's rational and logical to put diving activities aside despite the fact that I have already bought tickets to Kuala Terengganu to dive in Pulau Lang Tengah, supposedly the best local diving spot in the peninsular. I shall ponder about that decision.
2009 trips are all lined up. I have a family trip in February, possible diving trip in end of Feb, and POSSIBLY another diving trip to see the Sunfish in Bali as promised to a new found friend from my Sipadan trip. :D Well... I supposed we all should just go with the flow and concentrate on things that mattered first i.e. my studies and graduation.

Next big event in life for me, other than graduations, is my see the world or die trying in shoe string budget. :D I've been postponing this plan for almost 2 years now.. and i guess it's time for me to seriously plan this, and see it come to reality in.. maybe 2010/2011. Planning is the first step to making dreams come true. :D London here I come.

Other than that, it's the usual resolutions like... learning something new, stay healthy, and the newest addition this year is.. to read more books. I think i barely read a story book this year. this is sad.

So, 2009 will change things. :D

I wonder how many countries can I go to with RM20,000.

Dear god i've truly SINNED! omfg. whats wrong with me??!!! OMG!!!!!! i've crossed the line into a stalker. a STALKER! online stalker! wtf!!!!!!!

I occasionally use Google engine for a variety of purposes, sometimes out of boredom, to search for information on people. My god, little did I know I found some information that I SHOULDN'T find! okay.. updates on my last crush, the hairdresser. He's already attached.

Recently, i got my haircut and colored. Apparently, I look 'friendlier' and more approachable. :D at least the bugger is good for something. still.. getting over the crush... is a process. Oh well... now that i found out whatever that I was curious of, I can move on with my life and REALLY REALLY get a LIFE.

:D

Upset... is what I am feeling now...

Why? Lots of things. Dont even know where to begin. Oh well.. life goes on. We ALL move from here.

Aint it funny? I never really believed in love at first sight because to fall in love at first sight is like... liking someone for that one piece of defining moment. I wonder how that works? Like major chemistry happening within a small area exposing one or two bodies with overwhelming chemical that induces this feeling called 'love'?

Nah... too bizarre to explain. But I do accept things like crush at first sight. This year, weird things seemed to be happening especially at this time of the year. I realized, every year, maybe this is going to be an annual event where my hormones especially run havoc, causing me to have this insane inclination to be crushing at every random guy I came across. Is this the sign of aging, or it's a sign of desperation? Neither sounded good.

Few months ago, I had quite a bit of aching on my right eye, that it was swollen. I went to a doctor, who turned out to be a young doctor, (as in within the acceptable limit of young but older than i am), and as I was going through the eye inspection, there was a part that I had to close my eyes with the doctor being right in front of me, scrutinizing the location of the swelling. At the period where I had my eyes closed, at first, it felt natural as in a patient and doctor medical scenario, but a few seconds later, I was wondering when was the last time I had my eyes closed with another person right in front of me, looking at my closed eyes. It made me laughed (inside), a little, but I felt something was happening around me. Like sparks or electric or whatever that was called. So, when the doc said 'okay", i quickly opened my eyes and pretended to be as cool as an alley cat, but he had his gaze locked on my eyes while I refused to play coy and looked innocently at him. He smiled, and then 'ah hem' a little, and fiddled with the computer to closed all the windows, and showed me his diagnosis of my infection. Since that incident, I shared it with a couple of girlfriends, which they have been telling me, the very moment I said "my eyes itches/hurts/etc", they will come up with a reply something along the line of 'quickly go see your charming doctor'. It's a typical nice story for girl talk, but that is where it stops. This is real life, not a bloody drama for YOUR entertainment.

So, once the charming doctor story is over, one of my friend, recommended her hairstylist to me, which she mentioned many great things about him, particularly being well groomed and handsome (doh, a hairstylist).. The plus point that got MY attention is that he wasn't a sissy, which i normally assume all male hairstylist are. So, since i NEEDED my hair cut as it was reaching my waist, and I got nothing to lose, I went to this hair salon, and meet the hairstylist. True that he was well received by many other customers, but when it was finally my turn, I was judging him based on what my friend has told me. Good looking--- umm.. okay i guess. Nice skin. Body--- umm.. ok.not fat.but who am i to judge. Now the skills, he fiddled with my dry and damaged hair and asked me if I ever put oil on it. Nope. never. Then, he asked how do I want to have my hair cut, and I just stared blankly at him, which got him to ask me what was my next plan with my hair. I eventually figured out I wanted to straightened my permed hair, and he added a few more remarks which I couldnt hear. One thing for sure about this guy is he is a great conversationalist. I took off my glasses so that he could do whatever with the hair without my glasses obstructing his work, and he commented 'has anyone suggested to u to wear contact lens?'. my answer 'nope'. Anyway, he mentioned many things which was very entertaining to me, and I wasnt bored to death during the session. By the end of the haircut, he 'nagged' at my laziness to at least take care of my hair. Okay... maybe I shud put in a bit of effort in taking care of my hair.

Now, about me... after the session, whatever remark he made during the haircut made me laugh, and it was memorable. I like this person. As a person or as a hairstylist, i dont really know. probably wouldnt mind going out with people like this since they can be somewhat or rather entertaining. As of now, I am looking for opportunities to bring my mom, brother, sisters to thes salon to have the opportunity of a second encounter with my charming hairstylist. oh well... the hormones will die off soon, meanwhile, why not just entertain myself and see what's going to happen in life.

It takes a lot of courage to admit this so I'm just gonna say it. My life is a MESS.

The top issue for me at the moment is my studies. I dont know why I cant seem to focus on my work and write another few more manuscript and submit it for publication. If I dont do that, then I cant MOVE ON.

Then, the next issue is my other on-going projects. It makes me feel like an incapable person. Why am I stuck in these projects? what's WRONG? What have I not done?

Thirdly, MY EYE! MY EYE! Can you just stop irritating me~!

4th, My LAPTOP! Stop giving me attitude!

and the list goes on.

A moment of silence for the incarceration of brother blogger RPK.

One of the things that greatly affects me is to know someone I love is going through a difficult time and did not once confide her problems in me or anyone around her. When she finally did, I am upset for the situation that she is currently in as well as upset that she has been alone going through this all the while. You know, it's okay to look for others for support during a difficult time, although some situation may be very embarassing. Put your trust in me. :D

Funny how things have suddenly gotten so severe in Malaysia just because that ONE person is in denial. Why dont you spend your denial somewhere that does not involve the suffering of millions of people in the country. Just convene the parliament in 14 days from now, and be done with it. At least people would respect that 'graceful' exit. I guess there's a reason why they are called cows. Stubborn as a cow.

These few months have been testing to fellow Malaysians in support of the People's Party. While some irresponsible leaders tried to incite a racial bloodshed like 513 but failed miserably, many were upset that our birth right to this country was demean despite the many generations of our family being born here. Since Merdeka, the main question asked is what is the meaning of merdeka? Does the politicians even know what they are doing? Or it is just all for their pride and glory.

My transition of life somewhat depends on the happenings in the politics, if the formation of a new government will be able to convince me there's hope in this country, or we all will suffer a terrible fate if Anwar fails. I am not in support of anyone but a better future for the country and for my homeland. And whichever government that actually tries to realize that Malaysian dream, that is the government deserving for this country. Yes, MY country.

I hated this place because of the racial discrimination, even when issues like Chinese being marginalized by the govt were being brought up by other countries, the current government has always deny the allegations to defend their right, and to denounce everyone else's right. I guess many people left because of the bleak future of the ruling party, substantiated with a moron for a leader and a compost for deputy, one would be stupid not to runaway. However, there are still people who just cant afford to runaway, or choose not to run away, because they believe this is their homeland, and will do their part in contributing to build a better country. I have never felt so much for this country as I have now, realizing that my place is here. Although we have a herd of cows as the government, the change will bring about hope and opportunities where the newer generation, MY generation, can shine. I guess I believe that my skills will be of significant contribution to home than anywhere else in the world. Then again, it's just useless if i am the only one who thinks so.

I probably shouldnt be blogging nor lurking in Malaysia Today and wait for updates on the current scenario. It's taking too much of my life and my attention from work away. Need to have a little.. balance.

It was my first time voting for the general elections this year. When I was younger, my family (and the extended ones) are opposition supporters, just to ensure that the powers are checked and balanced. So, I thought I should be voting for opposition because my family did the same thing. Until the last election, when BN won by a landslide, those were the time when I didnt know anything, that I was glad BN won.

This year's election opened my eyes and introduced me to my responsibility as a citizen of this country. I have never been very interested in politics as I was once caught in the Reformasi 1998 (when I was 16) and the tear gas fired towards the crowd around me, I had an unwanted share of experience by FRU attacks. It was a bad coincident that I was there which made me hated politics because of all the unnecessary 'victims' getting caught in between. So whoever that is ruling the country, it didnt matter to me. I've never tell people that I love this country because I didnt, and I even wanted to leave this place as soon as possible.

Still.. this year changed everything. As I am responsible on my daily expenses, no longer getting allowance from my mom, I feel the pinch of the petrol hike, food hike, and the unnecessary inflation that a student has to go through, i.e. increase in charges for photocopying simply because papers are more expensive now than ever. It was unfair. To top that off, the administration in the university, my previous experience with the conversion exams, reflected very much the tyranny of the certain individuals from the current political scenario. Experiencing direct contact with such individuals made me grow up. I didnt want to take part in the election this year as I was still thinking of leaving this miserable hell hole, but at the end, I was persuaded to register as a voter, yet I didnt want to vote. I have my disagreements with the policies, however no words reached me until a friend of mine, who is in Canada now said to me that people who didnt vote have no rights to complain about anything in this country. I thought it was a very harsh statement, silencing my rights to complain, but today, I would like to say the same thing. People who didnt vote shouldnt hope for a better future because they did not play their part. People who didnt sign the petition to free the ISA detainees have no right to say "We are part of history in the making".

As upset as I am with these people, I am even more disappointed to find that some of them are my friends. One even admitted she's a coward and she hid at home from September 15th to 9-16. I told her off for being a coward... but I am quite irritated with her for being such a freak. Yes, we are all disappointed with the current state of the country, but one should fight for it because if we dont, then no one else will. as if complaining will get you anywhere.

Anyway... the sight of her irritates me recently, and it's pretty hard to believe I would get this mad over politics.

Time to write my manuscript.

I dont understand why some 'people' can be SOOOO DAMN SPITEFUL! oh my god, it pisses me off! Whether there are crossover or not, if you dont believe there's a list of names, then obviously there's no harm in meeting up and do whatever you want. Yet, you freaking play the miserable childish hide-and-seek and let the entire WORLD watch your cowardice. that's just lame. seriously, take it like a man and be done with it. bunch of fucking idiots.

Free those people! Why is it so many people signed the petition and it's ignored! Dont you understand the meaning of democracy! bunch of sore losers. pathetic idiots... sigh. I think the more we look at our politicians, the angrier we get... *breathe. calm down.

Come to think of it, when the new government is formed, it'll be cool to have a bunch of people that truly understands the meaning of 'framed up' since most of them are major threat to the 'previous' government and were stuffed in jail/ISA-ed. I read the news on how teresa kok was treated, and how everyone is requesting for a boycott with the newspaper concerned until it is bankrupt. well.. with the current government, i guess the worst that could ever happen to their own 'orang sendiri' source is a 3 years suspension of license. oh wow.. how severeee.

What other peaceful ways can you kick a person out of a place other than opening the doors and show them the red carpet out?

The last thing that I'll ever blog about is on politics. But then again, this isnt about politic, it's about MY country.

I have never been observant about the country's politics simply because I was never exposed nor interested in it. I have always wanted to leave this place and see the world, but now, I truly understand what is the meaning of 'home'. A place that sucks and is never impressive until I had stayed here my entire life, and found that... the greatest diving site is still in Malaysia. The farther I travel, the more I miss home. The more I see, the more I compare and find things that suck aint that bad after all.

In this darkest hour of the country, I hope that the new dawn to come will shrine so brightly. Despite all the current 'worry' of riots, rally, demonstration and other crazy thoughts, it's just another stage in Malaysia history that we all need to live through, just like how our parents survived 513, just like how I saw Reformasi 1998, and now again, New Malaysia 2008. It will all pass us by, and another day will still come.

So.. all I need to do, as a citizen, a human, is to go on my day like every other day without fear, and hope that the new day will always be fresh with no mistakes.

Man... every time i close my eyes, I see fishes. every time I walk around, i feel dizzy. Every time I open a science journal to read, I sneeze like hell and feel feverish. Is this allergy to work or land sickness? I want to dive again.

Every time I come back from a diving trip, it always leave me wanting for more. Unfortunately, my financial condition has stopped me from splurging on dive trips or any trips because... yes, my time has come. time to join the workforce.

it is nothing short of sad to mark the end of my diving days, and from now onwards, saving and planning my yearly holiday to somewhere and cherish the very little time I can spend on short diving trips. I wonder if it is even wise to take my EFR subsequently my DM anytime soon. Money is a problem though. All I can hope for is to get a proper funding for my studies, and continue my vagant lifestyle for another year. But mom would KILL me, wouldnt she?

November marks the month where my fellowship ends, which mean, no more allowance. I have to get some research projects to do.... wonder if IMR has any vacancy?

Sigh.. I should also plan a little for my future, like investing in more trust funds. No sharemarket for me... after seeing how addicted my mom is. Probably long term investment would be fine. It's time for me to sit down and plan my life all over again.. and also plan my next dive trip...

Lang Tengah Island sounds like an interesting place. Should I? Should I not? will do it on a tight budget.

The recent trip to Sipadan Island was the best time of my life.

In 6 days, I made many new friends, and took over 1000+ pictures of underwater and on land fun. I never expected to have this much fun! It's really the best time of my life.

On the day of my arrival, I was basically still in dazed as I have not packed my bags until a few hours before the flight, and it dawned upon me that I also need to check-in earlier, which requires me to wake up at 3 am and grab a cab to KL Sentral. My departure from the house was a mess because I woke my mom up to send me to KL Sentral, and ended up getting a taxi because I think she needs the rest. So, I spent around RM23 for the cab, and another RM9 for the LCCT bus, which I slept all the way. At the airport, I read my new science thriller book while waiting for my flight. It rained that morning, and I thought it would be a bad sign for a diving trip. Then again, since i'm diving, it wouldn't make any difference.

Anyway, even as I reached Tawau, I stupidly walked around, looked for my cab to Semporna, and found the man and negotiated the fare for RM50. I finally reached the dive office, and they sent me to Mabul Island with the owner of the homestay. I shared a room with Renee, another Malaysian airstewardess. At first, I couldnt really socialize since it's awkward for me to just come in and started making a big fuss. So, i read my book, and took an afternoon nap even though it's hotter than a steam room. No breeze at all. But i was too tired to be bothered.

Johnny, the so-called manager of the dive centre asked me to join him for a sunset dive to see the mandarin fish. So, I went with him (despite oni 8 hours re-compression) and saw a lot of mandarin fishes. We stayed at the dive site for a bit for photography but I didnt see what's the thrill all about since it was only my first dive. :D

The next day, I headed off to Sipadan diving at the usual popular site like Drop Off, Barracuda point, and saw plenty of sharks, turtles and tuna fishes! I never knew tuna fishes grow THAT big.... like half of my size. DAMN! a couple of times, i got frightened as the white tip shark appeared in front of me, swimming towards me, where i immediately stopped and put my fins forward in case of any attack. It rested on the reef, and I took the opportunity for photography until I realized there was another shark nearby, and a titan triggerfish below me. Then, i got anxious and swam off. :P

The dives were exciting and it was BEAUTIFUL. World class indeed. I would love to go again and stay for 2 weeks next time. A couple of incident I got slapped by the turtle because it was trying to swim away from me, and hit me on the head/face. Another time was due to the current, that it was so strong and the turtle got drifted and bump into me. What hilarious moments. occasionally i get fin kicks by other divers which made some of them laughed so hard underwater and wasted our air supply.

Every night, there will be someone playing the guitar, singing under the stars, when my new found friends celebrate their last night in the island by watching the sky, and i saw shooting stars for the first time in my life THREE TIMES. we had so much laughter that night and I missed everything already. There were also times, when newcomers stayed for a night, bringing their supply of food, 2 boxes of heineken bottles, and some fishes, noodles to be cooked and shared it with me. The newcomers were men from Tawau, chinese and gangster looking people. I couldnt believe i drank beers with them despite knowing some of them are pimps and triads in Tawau. We drank, played cards, and sing under the big blue sky with shooting stars.

It was a memorable trip, the best ever. I guess it's true that you dont need to go all over the world when the best place is just nearby.

I love this trip.

I finally bought the book that I've been saving to buy.. Reef Fish Identification: Tropical Pacific.


Since my instructor, Beth, recommended the book to me, and I saw it for myself, I ordered the book online and it didnt reach. finally, i went to Kinokuniya Bookstore and bought it at a (slightly higher price). Nonetheless... it definitely is worth the while in helping me deepen my knowledge of fishes. It is so satisfying to be able to identify what you are looking at...

Now I know that this is specifically known as an orangespine unicornfish instead of a surgeonfish. :D Not that it makes any difference to anyone else, but it wasn't ever meant for anyone but for my self knowledge. :D HURRAH for the new book. Hurrah for more fun in diving.





One more day, and I'll be off to my next dive trip. I cant wait to see more underwater stuffs.





I'll pray for my safe return too.





YAY! Now, i need to pack my bags.

What could have possibly happened?

3 days ago, i broke the microcentrifuge machine in the lab. It broke after it went into a high spin and made a loud crack which then, something burst and smoke came out of the machine. Then, the next day, I broke the microwave in the lab. The gel that I put in to melt was screwed as usual, and the glass burst inside the microwave. I thought I should stay away from the lab today to prevent 'things' from happening so I went out for a movie, shopping and got stuck in the jam. Although I have done some shopping yesterday because I was a little depressed from breaking so many things in the lab, I couldnt help but to unleash my upset on retail therapy. I bought a black kimono fashioned top for 50% off and put it on today on my day off.

As the day come to an end, something peculiar happened. My nails were bluish black in color for some reason, like as if some powder/toner got onto my hands. Then my bags were bluish/black in color too. So I washed off and thought I must have leaned on something. Then I went into the shower, and saw it. MY entire top body was bluish black in color! it's the new kimono top i got from the shop yesterday! oh my god. So I quickly soak the top in water to find there werent any discoloration. Sigh.. I had to scrub for an hour to remove the bluish black sediments plastered into my every pores except on the part where I had my bra on. What a freak show.

I somehow think I should bleach myself just in case there's any carcinogenic dyes impregnated into my skin... since bleaching isnt very good, I shall go swimming and soak in the chlorine water for an hour or so, while I'm at that, I shall... exercise a little.

What's wrong with me?

I've just received news that one of my labmate's mother passed away. Such news brings about a lot of emotions that I prefer to not to face or at least, not try to relate to the feeling of losing someone you loved. It has been an upsetting day.

First, I broke the centrifuge machine. I dont really know what did I do, but I've already balanced the machine (to those who know what centrifuge machine is), and close the lid. When I run it, it spinned up to 13,000 rpm, and made a loud 'crack' and I quickly stopped the machine, but the smoke came out from the machine. So.. I made the annoucnement that I broke the machine. I didnt get any sort of berate from the others... lucky me.

Then, I've not been able to produce the results I wanted for my experiments. I must be stupid.

Oh well.. tomorrow will be a better. Fresh with no mistakes. :D

I woke up at 6 am today, so that I could get to the lab by 8 am. Why? to avoid unnecessary traffic. Unfortunately, I ended up waking at 6.15 am, dilly-dally and left the house at close to 7 am.

The good thing was, it's SCHOOL HOLIDAY! HURRAY! NO JAM!At 9am, there was a committee meeting on the workshop that we're organizing this November, and it ended at 11 am. I went to the lab and do what I do everyday: Confuse myself.

Something funny happened today. When I was trying to remove the stapler's bullet, the clip bounced into my shirt and got caught between my boobs and bra. When I tried to shook it off, it pricked me *there, and geez, what a sight. So there I was, standing in the student room, luckily with another girl around, and looking into my shirt/breast, to find that clip. finally, I had to put my hand in and searched around, jump up and down a couple of times and got the prick out of the way. Perhaps this could be an excuse to tell ppl that my breast size shrunk.
Oh well... another day, another event.

I hate it when life reaches a different stage. So much of uncertainties that it became so overwhelming to think about it. I guess somethings arent meant to be thought over. Probably that's why the phrase "Just do it" is so famous.

I finally submitted my thesis... h u r r a h. Somehow, I dont exactly feel overly excited about getting over this stage. Maybe my enthusiasm has mellowed because it took a week for some non-significant people to sign my form. So what's next? I dont know. Right now, I have to draft manuscripts and send it to some journals for review (which they keep rejecting). Other than the countless flaws, I supposed the main problem is the presentation of data and my lack of confidence that failed to convey a convincing work. So now, I am stuck at this stage, instead of working on my manuscript, I'm pouring my heart's content out here.

My next nearest holiday is in 11 days.. i think. As excited as I should be, I can hardly feel anything right now. I wonder if I have died inside from the crushing reality that got my soul beaten down? Do people really fall that easily? It's weird that you can actually break something intangible.

Sigh. My laptop is really giving me a lot of distractions.

I am supposed to be doing my work. But I got drifted away to a more adventurous imagination. I was thinking of my next big trip... which I think I would spend quite a lot of MONEY on it... and come back.. a poorer person.

I actually would like to visit the few SEA countries that I've not visited, like Myanmar/Burma, Laos... Phillippines and most of Indonesia is on the other opposite direction to where I'm heading, so I'll put that two aside first. Although I want to complete the travels in SEA, it seems to me that I wanted to see something else rather than completing my coverage of SEA. Weird. So, my next big trip begins at the city of Hanoi, Viet Nam. From there, I am thinking to go Taipei, Taiwan and head up towards Kaohsiung and towards Japan.. into Korea, towards Beijing. Then, from Beijing, down towards Lhasa, Tibet, and straight downwards to India visiting a couple of places, and into Colombo, Sri Lanka and finally, one of my dream places, Maldives.

After that, of course it's home. But... i think I might need to work more to make it happen. Then again, the conversation that I had with Grace the other day, sorta tempted me to visit US instead. hmmm...

oh well... let's see what happens.

People blog for a variety of reasons.

For me, I blog because I want to vent my unhappiness without needing to depend on anyone to listen to me nor causing them any depression from my venting. I guess it's just fair to blog it out and probably assume that the world is big enough to have a sympathetic reader to stop by and read your thoughts and understands what you're going through without needing to respond.

I am upset. I am upset because ...

- i ate durians and felt fatter
- i couldnt submit my thesis because it takes a week for some people to sign a form
- i have cravings
- time of the month?
- i'm broke
- my notebook is crashing on me
- i wanted a new desktop for designs, calculations, work, gaming, movies, photo/videos editing but i'm broke
- my FISH ID book didnt arrive and that costs me RM140.
- I lost my Magic-Filter that costs 25 sterling pounds.
- I cant write nor draft 3 publications for journals and I cant even handle a website
- I troubled others too much and it's upsetting them, thus upsetting me even more
- I realized something should be in the past
- it's not easy to move on when u've adjusted to a certain ideas
- I only hated because i liked
- nothing can turn back time and going forward is emotionally draining
- I cant see where i'll be next year.

Yes... grand opening of Olympics today. in less than an hour. Should I watch, or should i not?

I dont really know. i dont seem to be in the mood today for a variety of reasons. One of it, being them. another being me. and another being 'it'.

A friend of mine just convinced me to watch the Olympic Opening. So, here I go.

Another day to the auspicious date: 8-8-08.





It's probably also the day I submit my Master's thesis. How exactly do I feel about this? I dont know.





For the past entire week, I was waiting to submit my thesis, supposedly on Tuesday, which I couldnt get my third committee to sign, and postponed to Wednesday, which she wasn't free to see me, and today, which she forgot to bring my thesis along and point to me all my mistakes. Other than that, I supposed I could submit it tomorrow. If all goes well.





So what happens to life after this? Work. Time to earn some money and spend the money I earned. That's life. I've bought flight tickets for the family to go VietNam next year, and as excited as I can be, I need to get over the financial hurdle first.





There are quite a number of things playing in my mind; thesis, replacing my computer, my debts, my loans and my trip to Sipadan this month. I dont know if I should get another spare camera battery or an underwater camera filter. My Paypal account wouldnt cooperate and let me BUY the things i want. The book that I ordered online isnt here and I suspect it got lost or our KASTAM took it to educate their children. God knows. These people really dont respect other people's property. HELLO! I PAID FOR THAT! bastard.



back to life... while i try to SORT out the celestial clashes in the current month, I am currently depressed and have been stuffing my face to fight the 'down' syndrome. I shopped a little.. and bought a ring for the heck of it. I like it a lot though. :) Finally, something to cheer me up.

I wonder what would happen next?

It was in my plan, since the beginning, to buy my sister and mom a trip to Australia next year. However, it wasn't in my plan to leave the rest of the siblings out. Instead, I figured we should have another family vacation next year, and 'funded' by moi. it's not that I've striked the lottery but i think if i could make all my diving trips possible, why can't I spend some money for a family trip which will cost.. just a little more. Quality time.

However, I dont know if this is meant to be but I saw some pretty reasonably priced trips and I thought I SHOULD just go ahead and make the reservation. Unfortunately, my passport has expired and I need to renew it before I make the reservation by which, the problem is, I dont have any money now. Or until this month's allowance is given to us.

Even if I do have this month's allowance, I am still broke because I bought a new laptop to save my ass. I am in some sort of dilemma which I refuse to cancel off the trip because, I want to make it happen or die trying.

Should people really push themselves or just let it be?

Family...

is my number one priority. Arguments with my mom always hurt the most, more than anything in the world, and brings out the worst type of regret and sorrow ever. I come from a big family, when attention gets divided, its easily to get neglected and feel abandoned. The last time I argued with my mom..was last year.. today, my eldest sister has her turn of mother-daughter dispute which involves quite a number of issues. Point is... I'm just upset that both of them are arguing to the point of breaking apart, and I have never been good in handling relationship issues especially with my family.

Tough times indeed.

Two days ago.. my laptop decided to crash on me. *sad. I have not finished my thesis writing yet. The worst thing is this happened when I finally got the motivation to FINISH it. It's so overwhelming. Even when I tried to re-format it, it still wouldnt run normally. There are some programs that cannot be run anymore, i.e. Internet Explorer and the speed gets disrupted when I transfer files from my hard disk to my pendrive.

Anyway, out of urgency, i bought another smaller laptop, Asus Eee PC. One thing good, it was on sale. One thing bad, I dont see myself liking this small laptop.

Beggars cant be choosers anyway...sigh. Like what my friend told me, "When your horse dies, it's time to get down and walk."

i am probably crazy. these few days, i've been wasting my life away on watching Jdrama. in few days, i've watched Absolute Robot (Zettai Kareshi), Hana Kimi (twice), Nobuta wo produce, and now in the middle of "Attention Please". i dont really know how i watched it, but it revolves around on some fast forwarding.

anyway, today, we had lunch with Prof Kim and Prof Yoon. It makes me wonder... when can I ever finish my work and when WILL I EVER quickly get the motivation to finish my thesis? why cant i work on my thesis. even as i blog right now, my mind is nagging me about my undone thesis, and yet, my body refuse to turn to my left and look at the pile of journals that i have already standby for reading. I should take a shot of an aerial view of my room. ever seen a typhoon?

today's debate on the fuel price was irritating as hell. watching the BN candidate salivate like a freaking idiot, it looks to me, the one thing that was missing from him being seen to have epilepsy is he should be lying on the floor. Isn't it irritating? can't you just ANSWER the questions?

another irritating thing that happened was, this friend that i occasionally dislike (she always do something similar to my plans and 'beat me at my game' when i dont even know that we're actually 'competing'). like... when i said i am learning a language, she went for language classes too. and when i started diving and asked her to join me, she said she's not interested and 2 months later, went with a bunch of guys for a diving course. and also, when i bought my first underwater camera, she bought an underwater housing for her camera too. not to mention, when i said i'm going on a diving trip this year, SHE went on a diving trip spree. when i said i am doing my masters and am happy doing it, she suddenly decided (in few weeks) that she would plan to quit her job and join another friend to go australia to study. and when she found out i was planning to do my PhD, she told me, for the amount of years that I have studied, i would have gotten a medical degree anyway. i dont really know what's wrong with me to have consider a person like this a friend.

perhaps her wishlist is to get my life's plan and do whatever i have done or have plans to do. i feel that i'm being copied. i like being weird/unpredictable i.e. which to me, is a unique characteristic. i appreciate that value in me and i dont really care if anyone else finds me common/unoriginal. but WHY does a person like me, would need to have a copy cat doing everything i do and make everything that i put effort into, like my dreams/passions/interests/achievements look like something it can be easily done? i mean.. is it that fun to undermine other people's life? that being me is SO easy? and she can be HER and also be ME at the same time and that she's twice the person i am?

perhaps i should make a list for her so that she can tick whichever that she has done and i have not.

... and i thought i missed the old days we had with all the bowling games, drinks and food. forget it.

I watched "Beauty and the Beast" musical with two of my closest friends from high school (for my birthday treat) and i gotta tell you, it was F A N T A S T I C!!!!!!!!!!!! I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT AND definitely looking forward to any other musical stage in the future.

I didn't love the audience though, because they were uncooperative and irritating, uncivilized and doesn't seem to understand simple English instructions like "NO flash photography allowed" or "20 minutes break" and not 25-30 mins break and walk around in the dark looking for their seats and blocking the view of the stage for the other audiences. I wish those who offended me tonight gets their camera whacked or just suffer so evil malady for giving me such a horrible experience on such a fantastic stage! how despicable!

the one thing that i'll never expect myself to get is gastric. why? because i'm very particular about food and am always eating. unfortunately, in the past few days, i was down with a fever, headache, chills, diarrhea and now, gastric. i am sorry i couldnt eat but i have not yet seen the doctor because no one in the house seemed to care to even help me to the doctor. now that i'm suffering from gastric pain 5 times a day, i think it's just better to get my ass in the car and drive myself to the doctor. i see now, that i'm just living a different way of life because, people who doesnt have anyone to care about them (because their family members DIED) will have to drive themselves to the hospital but I, on the other hand, will have to drive myself to the clinic... maybe i wasn't sick enough or probably just died in the eyes of others.

it's SO irritating.

maybe it's the pain talking. but i am so MAD.

Can I just say one thing?

ANARCHY!!!!

I like to daydream, even more during my teenage years. When I was 13, I felt pretty upset about life and decided to contemplate and figure out how I should live my life and make things as simple as things can be. That time, I know that I will grow up one day, to face working life, and to imagine what kind of work that I should do and I can imagine doing for the rest of my life. So I took the entire day, lying in my bed figuring out things that makes me happy. The one thing that provokes this warm feeling in my heart was when the image of a dolphin comes to mind. Yes, i am fascinated with marine life and I thought, someday, i could be a marine biologist or to do something with the ocean. I then decided that that should be my aim/goal/direction and only remember the word 'marine' simply because it induces happiness.

When I was 17, I failed six out of nine subjects in school. I was in the science stream, and was lost and depressed about life (yes, teenage life indeed). i was in the darkest pit in life, that i didnt care about exams and contemplated leaving home and work right after high school. But... it came to me that i'll be 18 soon and need to choose a career path or a college course that will lead me to where I want to go. And then, I remembered the word 'marine'. At that time, the major exam was near and I realized that I should be bucking up in my studies from failing 6 subjects to getting a Grade 1 in my SPM... I dont really know what happened but I could remember being in the room for 3 weeks surrounded by books trying to absorb as much information as I could for 2 years of syllabi being tested. I pulled through SPM from failing 6 subjects to getting 4 A's and a total aggregate of 17. the 'marine' saved my soul and life.
when I went into college, i was discouraged to take up marine science because there was no future here in Malaysia for this type of field. So, I decided to take up mass communication, which in the end, i ended up switching back to science based subjects because I refused to close the door to 'marine'. i went into quite a bit of a trouble to stay in science field, and ended up graduating in biotechnology degree 6 years after i graduated from high school. (a lot of trouble indeed). somewhere in between, i felt that i was getting out of touch with my passion of life, and volunteered for the zoo, and managed to fork out some money to travel to Koh Tao and take my Open Water license. I usually do not share these feelings openly but I could never be happier. It's really like living a dream.

During my college/undergraduate days, there werent much diving activities that I can afford so I have only managed to log less than 10 dives after 4 years of getting my license. Of course, I have been backpacking and widening my horizon, but that aspect of life was for the purpose of testing my level of independence. Diving activities during backpacking doesn't go very well because of the financial factor. I dont think it's that cheap to dive and what more when I am backpacking.

Now that I am in the science field, I tried to stick to research field associated with marine, and started with marine food. Well.. it isnt much but it's a start. Unfortunately, the marine product is categorized under food and I am generally doing research in food. Anyway, it didnt matter to me because I enjoy research anyway and generally, I do believe that research can be applicable to any science field. I am bound to finish my Masters and am now at the final stage of writing my thesis for submission. For some reason, I feel depressed, like finally being here, I'm almost 26, and still have not started earning a stable income to save my neck. Compared to my peers who are earning more than 5k or some 5-digits salary, I am an absolute loser. While some live their life, meet people and marry the love of their life, I have nothing in any of those aspect. All I have is this passion of the word 'marine'.

You know... whether it is in relationships/physical attributes/intelligence/attractiveness or anything, I do not have any of those. I also failed all those even if I tried. The thing about life is that it has always been unfair and it sucks but it's not the end. I am a loser but I have something in life that I know can save me in times of depression. I think the hardest thing for a person to overcome is their feelings. Like getting over someone and the feelings they had for someone is never easy no matter how tough they are. In fact, the tougher the person, the harder it is for them to get over something that emotional because tough people are tough because they know they are weak inside. it's a self defense for survival. human instinct.
At this stage of life, all grown up and matured, measured against my peers, I think it's rather normal to be ostracized/alienated/depressed because I am old and I have come a long way, not to let life leads me but to live my life the way I want it. There's nothing great about me, no income, not intelligent, not talented, not brilliant, forgettable and insignificant. It's natural for people to judge my unworthiness and to show support to me of my pitiful life... Depressing but... so what?

Sometimes when life becomes so overwhelming in the attempt to try to make myself more useful, I forget about the thing that makes me happy. Some people define happiness with love, like the many weddings that I have attended and how happy I feel for them, I guess love has no room for me at this point of life. But, I do have a passion. I think there's only a fine line that separates love and passion, both with the equal magnitude to change how we feel about life and I am glad, that I clinged to this passion for years and never letting it go. My passion for the marine life enhances everytime I dive, and everytime I dive, I feel more alive and that life is worthwhile. When I feel alive, I am ready to face the world all over again and everything is okay. That is how much diving meant to me because it makes happiness comes to life.

I dont know how I can afford diving when I have to pay for my study loans, insurances and monthly expenses and that I'm only a postgraduate student. But I do know that this is happening because I want to do and I'm glad that I am diving.

Perhentian Dive Trip Log (24th April 2008 - 28th April 2008)

24th April 2008

The recent trip to Perhentian has left me wanting for more diving adventures. I left Kuala Lumpur on 23rd April night, reaching Kuala Besut at 5.30 am and was stoned in the only Chinese restaurant opened that morning. Two hours after being in that restaurant, I made my way to the jetty to find the person holding my boat ticket. I got on the 7.30 am speedboat which is a small boat and courageously fought the waves despite its size. Halfway through, it rained, and I was soaked because the high speed boat not only splashes water on my face, but the rain as well. It's not like the boat is a covered up type. So, before I ever reached the island, I was already soaked all in the attempt of protecting my bags and belongings.

I finally stepped into Perhentian Island (Big island) and checked into the basic room in Flora Bay Resort. Umm... it's a rather dull room, but at least furnished with a cupboard and a mirror. Toilet bowl was eeky since it cannot be flushed and someone left their remains inside. My first day, I did my Peak Performance Buoyancy with my instructor, Beth, 2 dives and finished one course in a day. I think it is a great course because it helped a lot in my diving skills. It still rained the rest of the day, and because of the weather, the sea was a little colder, and I saw sharks. Leopard shark and a black tip shark in two different dives. What a lucky day despite the weather.

25th April 2008

The plan for today was to do a deep and wreck dive. I was brought to Sugar Wreck, which I was totally rendered blind by the visibility and also my short sightedness.
Although I couldnt see much at a glance, while we were moving around both dive sites, the marine life we spotted was amazingly rich in variety and I was so excited that I could cry. I wasnt allowed to bring my camera because I was supposed to concentrate on my course. So, there were A LOT of pictures that I did not take and was quite a bit upset from that. Still.... life goes on. I made a friend over in Flora Bay, a Korean girl doing her Advanced Diver Licence at the same dive centre. She was my neighbor. We quickly became acquainted because when I first arrived, I turned on my recent favorite song "Aeng Mu Sae" by Kim Jung Hoon out loud while showering and she overheard the music. She thought I was Korean because I have a 'universal' look that can pass as almost any nationality. We talked a lot and she goes by the name Gwi Ri. I finished my course by mid-noon and waited to attend a friend's wedding over in the smaller island, at Impiani Resort. The boat was supposed to come at 6 pm, but the phone reception in Flora Bay was quite bad (no line, to be exact), so it took me a while to get hold of the bride and confirm the boat. Unfortunately, there was a miscommunication and they thought I was coming on my own. The boatman came to pick me up at 7.30 pm, of which the wedding dinner has already started and I was already starving to death, not to mention, in the foulest mood ever. I was dropped off right at the beach, 5 steps from my dinner table and i brought my luggage with me, to the dinner. Everything became alright when I finally met up with everyone and my stomach filled. Dinner was fantastic and I wanted to spend more time at the reception but a friend of mine wants to go back to her resort (which I am bunking at the same room), so I had to leave. Taking a boat at night can be a thrill and romantic...

26th April 2008

I left Senja Resort (Perhentian Kecil Island) in the morning, and was back in Flora Bay to check in by 9.30am. I paid double for the boatride because I was the only person in the boat. I also left my handphone over in Impiani resort which I was so upset over that incident. Luckily, they manage to find my phone and made plans to send it to me in due time. Then, I continue my dive course on another deep dive and wreck dive, which I was exhausted to the point of oblivion, but I still have to finish up some knowledge review and invited Gwi Ri for dinner because I was sick of eating alone. We ate at the next resort because we found Flora Bay's food a bit too oily and unhealthy. The food was great.

27th April 2008

I moved to another resort, because it was cheaper by RM5, and it was just next door. In Fauna Beach Chalet, I was pretty happy with what I got, and the room seemed a little brighter. I brought Gwi Ri to my room and showed her around, and she planned to move to the same beach chalet the next day. I also got my handphone back. We chatted and joked and made plans for dinner again, which when I went to my room to charge my camera, she met another diver traveling alone by the name of Shun Ming. He works in Singapore and was diving with Fauna dive centre. The three of us got together after our dives, and met up for dinner. We ate in Arwana Beach Resort, where the ambience is much similar to a 4-5 star resort (not to mention the price of the food too). Over dinner, we talked about our dive experience and how we all end up traveling alone. We concluded with naming ourselves The Three Lonely Divers because one of us doesnt have friends (Shun Ming), another that doesnt like her friends (me) and another that friends doesnt like her (Gwi Ri). It was a pleasant friendship and we headed of walking by the beach to relax. It ended that three of us lying on the beach, star gazing the beautiful sky, which I told Gwi Ri, I want a piece of the sky in my room and I want to stare at the sky until it becomes an image reflected instantly whenever I close myeyes. I want that piece of the sky that is just right at the corner, nearest to the west where there is an occasional thunder light and the stars are brightest there. Gwi Ri said she has given that piece of the sky to me already. hahaha. I called that part of the sky My Favorite Star Corner.It was a while until we stopped our addiction to stars, and headed back to bed.

28th April 2008

I cannot believe it's my last day here. I finally am allowed to bring my underwater camera to my dives and the first dive was just to test out the camera. The second dive was in Tanjung Basi, which lasted 50 wonderful minutes. It was a rather busy dive for me because the moment we reach the bottom, we spotted Unicornfish, which we tried to chase after, and then I saw a black tip shark that went pass us quickly. We went after the shark, which it disappeared into the blues, and a humphead parrotfish came over to chomp on the corals. it was a fantastic dive. I was busy taking photos, along in trying to get used to multitasking of the various aspect of underwater photography. After the parrotfish left us, we went around and saw a beautiful moorish idol swimming pass us, and a pair of single banner butterfly fish.
Then, we spotted a six banded angelfish, followed by another butterflyfish. While I was busy taking pictures of the butterfly fish, my instructor called out to me and showed me the puffer fish, and then the blacktip shark came around us once more as if to check us out. (maybe it's because of my period). geez. I couldnt get the picture of the shark because it was wayyy too fast for me. Suddenly, the humphead parrotfish came along and we just sat there in the sea and observe/photographed the big 4ft long fat ass ugly blue piece of fish. It was awesome for me because it's my first time seeing a parrotfish upclose. Nothing can make me happier. My instructor signalled to ascend as I was at 80 bar of air left, and while we were ascending, we saw a school of silver batfish near to the surface. My instructor gave me permission to descend and take some photos if I want and I did, and I was jumping with joy.

When my dive finally ended, I met up with Gwi Ri and Shun Ming again. Gwi Ri was off to Long Beach to check out the accommodation because she will be moving there, and we have made plans for a night dive. At 7.30 pm, we geared up again for our night dive and dove in Shark Point, just below the sky of My Favorite Star Corner. I saw crabs, and crabs, sleeping fishes, blue spotted ray and a goatfish. Other than that, I could see nothing and the dive ended when one of us was low on air. Night dive photography seems to be quite a challenge for me as I only have a pair of hands, one holding a torch and another holding the camera. Well... I'm sure in time I will be able to get used to it. (More photos here under Perhentian Dive Trip 2008)

29th April 2008

I left Perhentian Island in the morning by the 8 am boat, and reaching Kuala Besut before 9 am. I tried to get a bus ticket back to KL but it was fully booked/occupied/sold out. I had to take a bus/taxi to Jerteh or Kota Bahru, according to the agent, going to Kota Bahru will be better because the main bus stand is there and the chances of getting a seat is higher. So, I didnt want to travel alone and manage to join two other girls, Laura and Sonna (from England and Holland) to Kota Bahru by bus and we found the last three seats to KL by Sani Express leaving at 9 pm. We have a total of 10 hours to kill and most of it were spent in the Internet cafe. I took the opportunity to satisfy my appetite for Kelantan food specialty, Ayam percik and Nasi kerabu, and I went out of my way to eat at the best shop. At Yati's Restaurant, I paid for the delicious Ayam Percik which I have been wanting to eat since forever, and my first time ever eating Nasi Kerabu biru. It was worth the while.

I met up with the two girls in town again and went back to the the cyber cafe to kill time. We finally boarded the bus at 9 pm, which I left my sweater at the baggage keeping area, and had to use my towel as a blanket. I took out my travel kit consist of a neck rest, earplugs and an eye cover and slept before the bus even began to leave the bus stop. The bus stopped near my housing area, which I got up, and took a while to recognize the area, and rushed down from the bus, making the driver coming out of his seat to open the baggage area again for me to take my luggage. I finally got home at 4.30 am the next day, showered and dozed right off in my own sweet bed and woke up to a normal day in the city, and back to work.

Total dives logged: 39 dives. YAY!

Next dive trip: Sipadan/Mabul/Kapalai Island.

I found a long lost song. I watched Goong/Princess Hour in 2006, and really like this one song which I know have "Sarang hamida" and "Mian hamida" in the lyrics but that really 'narrows' it down. I bought the soundtrack which did not have the song (I cannot explain this phenomenon). Finally, the fateful day of 19th April 2008, almost 2 years later, I found the song. I've been listening to it for 6 hours or at least my brain is playing the song since the moment I played it on my computer. It gave me a fresh breath of music stream and life. Yes, my emotions are very easily controlled by music despite my lack of talents in music. I also, at the same time, have fallen in love with themes from my favorite anime, One Piece, Crazy Rainbow and Jungle P. Having these three songs in the list somehow makes my life complete. (I can be quite a drama queen sometimes).
Anyway, while these songs are playing, I noticed my laptop keyboard is greasy and I needed to clean them up. So, I took out the cleaning solution with the brush, tissue and cotton buds and started cleaning up my yucky keyboard. With the background shade of dark grey, the grease actually looked dark green in color. Yuck, is that what I have been touching the entire time??? Sigh. I havent really cleaned my keyboard for the longest time, or since i bought it. Thanks to the new songs, I sat and cleaned the works almost faded from the scrubbing, and didnt realize that it's been an hour and half since I started cleaning. :D

Now, I have clean keyboard and great songs. Isnt life great?

Have you clean your keyboard?

Some people in this world OVER estimates themselves. It's fine if you are someone like Denny Crane (Boston Legal) that you are an ass but at least, you earned the respect. There are others, politicians (for example) are just nothing but good for nothing dolls, bullshitting and suppressing the people using their power which no one knows how they got it. I wonder what kind of thing we should do to make sure these people see that they are not that GREAT after all. If bloggers are barbarian, these people are leeches. Maybe we should pray more for them because these people need all the help they can get.

It's finally end of April, and speaking of useless, I myself have not been very productive too. My thesis is still at the same point where I last left since last month, not to mention the website development that I am currently handling and failing to execute the job properly. All these unproductivity seems depressing and the worst thing is, I forget about it the minute I watch One Piece. I love One Piece. It's such an entertaining anime.

I've gotta get some grease for my camera housing's O-ring before I leave for Perhentian soon. I am pretty much deprived of money, since I have not been paid my part time salary (which is already 2 months delayed). Monday will be a day we take strategic action to move everything.

Yesterday was my sister's and my good friend's birthday. We celebrated my sister's birthday with the cake I bought from the elusive Australian Confectionary in Jalan Imbi. I asked the lady to draw a pig and this is what she made. It's impressive. We totally love the design and the cake. :D

My knee cap hurts.

Why?

I went for acupuncture last night, and I got poked, 3 needles in each leg and was 'tortured' by that man for half an hour, pushing the needle deeper into my nerves to get the stinging numb sensation.

He said, after listening to my heart beat, taking my blood pressure and looking at my tongue, that even though I'm godzilla sized, my entire internal system is a haywire. The chinese 'doctor' cum acupuncturist asked about my menstrual cycle, constipation and how long have I had this knee problems. All of the answers gave him an impression that I am a screwed up person inside (not to mention, outside too).

According to him, my main problem lies within my kidney and liver functions. The inability to detoxify thus causing a chaos in the regulation of hormones which is probably the main thing that controls the entire body i.e. menstruation, digestion, bone problems and whatever.

Then, as if I haven't been tortured enough being pricked and prodded, my mom added to the fact that my backbone is not straight, after which when he investigated, indeed it is not straight. A condition called scolisis (google it). So, in addition to being pricked and prodded, I was also twisted and bent to slowly get my back straight.

Now, I have a throbbing pain in my back whenever I lift my right arm, and the sudden numbness in my knees when I am trying to stand up. I would love to share the pictures of me being tortured, but my camera failed me at most important time. The pictures I took with my handphone are.. well.. not worth the while.

Other than that, I was told to stay away from 'cold' elements such as water and have been informed (subtly) to stop diving for a while. Are you joking? My next dive trip is in 2 weeks. Then again, I have a full suit, with boots to cover whatever part to prevent 'coldness' getting into my system. So, I will be careful in taking care of myself. I shall bring the luggage bag with all the knee support and life support system. Please let me dive. Pretty please?

I am now at the final stage of confirming the actual amount pending because there were some miscalculation about the course fees, as well as a change in offer for accommodation. Initially, I was offered RM45 per night for the room, and recently RM50. So I wonder if RM45 will still stand. It's RM5 and it's one lunch for me. Dont argue.

I cannot wait to go. The only problem I have right now, is how am I coming back? Of course the same way I'm going but I think I'll reach KL mid morning, which isnt a good thing especially in this neighbourhood. thing is, I dont know the exact time I'll be reaching KL. I guess I should hire a taxi.. can we trust taxis? I dont know. I hope so.

I just want to do something I like and take many pictures to remember the experience...

Taken from Tioman Island

One of the many things that I am not good in is adapting to a changed plan. If this is about environmental changes and is a selective pressure, then I might be able to hang on and try to let natural selection work for me. But changes in my trips, especially for budgets is a big NO-NO. Last year, I planned to take my diving skills further, an activity in which I am deeply and affectionately involved, and made reservations with the dive resort to attend five specialty courses, Peak performance buoyancy, underwater photography, deep diver, enriched air nitrox and wreck dive. I have reserved, paid downpayment of RM1000 for the courses in September 2007 and have confirmed that I will be on a budget, cutting down my expenses on everything just to take the courses. NO, I will not sacrifice any of the dive course so that I can eat. That's how adamant I am to take my diving skills further and how much a maniac I am for diving and the underwater world.

In 2 weeks or so, my long awaited trip, for the sake of advancement of skills and another milestone in life to be achieved came with some unexpected changes in budget. I was initially informed that my accommodation will be RM20 a night, of which the resort was closed down this year, and I had to settle with the next best thing at RM40, if not, RM50 a night. It's the change in budget that I cant afford, and I totally despise, changes in budget. Plus, I have also need to allocate some spare funds which have already been exhausted to attend a wedding reception in a nearby island, of which, requires me to PAY to get to the island, as well as providing 'ang pau' for the beloved bride. Not that I am complaining about that but the issue is, changes in budget. I mean, RM40-50? Are you kidding me? I have no time for sudden close down of cheap resort. This just isn't happening.

So what can I do? Well.. I could start by robbing the bank. But that is something of high risk. Then, I could hope that my income from my part-time job (in February and March) will finally be processed and the check will be issued by that time... then again, looking at the management of the people in the bursary, i think they are still processing the payroll of part timers from last year's October.. the fastest. I'll be grateful if i get a paycheck THIS bloody year. Maybe I should rob the bank. Is this why the country's crime rate is high and steadily increasing?

And what do I have to say? Yes, I am the kind of person that make THIS much noise when I need to pay an extra RM150 for a roof over my head during a trip. Why do people tolerate this kind of things? I deemed this unnecessary because it was unforeseen that a resort can close down in such a tourist spot especially at RM20 a night. I wasn't born yesterday, and the last time I checked, I am only an idiot, not mentally retarded. I will have to make calls to the resort directly instead of asking the dive centre to make the reservation for me, just to really confirm if the resort really closed down. Please dont have this misconception that I am a rich brat paying RM2300 for 5 dive courses and cant afford to pay RM250 for accommodation. My budget is not for you to criticize and however I want to spend my money or whatever amount that I have allocated for this purpose, solely is for ME to decide. Plus, if i decide on something for ME, saving RM2300 might be a pain but to me it's all worth it because it amounts to the satisfaction I derive after accomplishing this task. So, painting me as a rich brat paying RM2300 for 5 freaking dive course is not fair, because it was my hard earned money, saved a single cent at a time, all for the sake of accomplishing something and reaching one of the important milestone in MY LIFE. So no one, and i mean NO-god-damned-ONE, can take the opportunity to leech even half a cent out of this matter. This just cannot be done. It's business for you, but to me, this is personal. (-_-)

Random thought: Why am I suddenly blogging again? I dont know. Stress?

I finally got my first draft of thesis back from my professor for review. Quite a number of things to rectify. Well, I'm only human. Cant be perfect and dont intend to be.

Work aside. How am I doing lately? Basically, I was watching Boston Legal till 2 a.m. last night, and kinda late for this morning's appointment with prof. Nothing great happened today, nothing bad either, so I guess it's a good day.

I spent my day with my labmate, a friend whom I have gotten very acquainted to when I am doing my postgraduate studies. She has been a source of encouragement for me, to push me to do my work when I'm often plague with laziness. I think I am very lucky in life to be able to meet people who always wants to lend a helping hand for a scumbag like me. Thank you god for people like this.

Today, we had Banana Leaf Rice which is awesome. Never enjoyed vegetables this much. I could be a vegetarian and discard my evil carnivorous days. We chatted about how people helped us and what are our plans after graduate school. Basically, she is going to South Korea for her postdoctoral training, and how I wish I could go with her too. I guess I only have this year to finish up my graduate school studies and I am OBLIGED to start working.

My mom and I have been in the wrong astrological position and was bickering about MY future ever since 2008 came. The neverending "I thought you have finished your Masters?". Okay.. fine. Although I am a reasonably transparent, I still am very secretive about my life. Especially to my family. None of them knew of my intention to continue my PhD and from the plans that I have in mind (i.e. trying to get out of grad school this year), it seems like it's impossible to finish my PhD project in such a short period of time. Anyway, the reasons why I wasnt all too enthusiastic of telling them of my intention was mainly because I want it to be a surprise for them. Kinda like getting them to come for my convocation (if they ever want to come) and shocked to death when I actually get a PhD. Evil indeed. It's just something that I want them to be proud of, that I can do it on my own, if they will just leave me alone and dont spoil my surprise. Oops.. I should vow not to have the habit of pushing people away from my life too.

I was a pain in the arse and probably am still a pain in the neck. I dont speak badly of my own family but, I do think that I have been successfully playing the role of the useless spoilt brat who refuses to shoulder responsibilities of adulthood i.e. GROW UP. Partly, I do feel like staying sheltered in school forever, but mostly, more than anything, I want to succeed in life. I guess I will just need to do one thing at a time, starting with finishing what I have started.

So, reality checks in. Just finish my studies and work. For the government, for private, for any slave drivers who needs bums like me to work for them.

Written, 7th April 2008, Monday.

Woebegone. I tried not to let myself be upset about the entire death-of-a-relative issue, accident, kidnap incidences but it still bothers me... I read in my horoscope for this year that I shouldn't dwell on unhappy events because it will ruin my lucky stars. *smacks my face and tries to cheer up

today, i made an attempt to feel better by eating healthy. I had blended fruits for breakfast, no carbohydrate food for lunch. then to feel better, i had McDonald's ice cream with choco top for tea and vegetables for dinner. I even went to that anti-oxidant sauna trial with my mom and sweat my ass off. Or at least tried to sweat my ass off.

One good thing happened today. Last year, my friend and I was commissioned a job for a certain someone and we were promised a pay of RM1000. Upon confirmation, we have gotten half the amount, and we were supposed to get the remaining half when we finish the job. The thing is, when we finished the job, we were told that it was a horrible job and she has to do the editing. Excuse me, she's the editor/author, if she is not going to edit it, then who is? stupid cow. so where's my money?

the money was forgotten. a total loss. I forgot about my RM250 share until suddenly, she told us that the work is published and decided to pay us the remaining RM500. hurrah for money! We split the amount, RM250 each, and then my friend suggested us to go for yoga. Actually, i wanted to attend pilates, since i have been diagnosed with bone problems, i thought it would be better for me. I have scoliosis and chondromalacia patella. one day, i'm going to look like Quasimodo if i dont do something about this. Signing up for the course takes RM200, and i only have RM50 left. And that, goes straight into the 'ang pau' for an upcoming wedding that I will be attending. So much for having money.

This month, I have to save up for my Perhentian Dive trip. I have a total of RM6.40 to last me the entire month, and have been TRYING my best to avoid anything that requires me to pay cash. Take the toll-less road, plan my labwork so that I dont have to come every damn day for petrol saving. Sadly, I still cant save enough to pay for this month's fee for my classes. damn.

I shall have to put some serum on my face to induce thicker face and ask RM65 from my mom. Shame on me. Yes, I am once again depressed despite my effort to feel better.

Vicious cycle.

it's been a while since the 'phd event'/the last blog. oh well.

time really flies. in just 2 months, so many things happened. but then again, i guess you dont need to wait 2 months for a lot of things to happen. many things can happen within a day, or in a same hour of a morning.

On saturday morning, 5th April, was Cheng Bing Day, a day we visit the graveyards of our beloved to pay respects and present some offerings. In my family, we usually depart for the graveyard (to visit my father), early in the morning to escape the scorching sun and traffic jam. it's usually by 6 am, we will leave the house and head to the cemetery. that morning, at 5 am, news came that my paternal grandfather passed away. To begin with, it didnt really bother me that much because our relationship cannot be described as grandchildren sitting on his lap and listening to stories or having the opportunities to take walks with grandpa. He was a very strict man, usually scares us into silence (which is quite impossible) and every time we visit him, we remarkably can huddle up, all seven of us, in a 3-seater couch. On top of that, we can also stay quiet and mute for the entire period, other than greeting the elders. That was basically a description of how my family's relationship with my grandpa.

that morning, as i was deciphering my exact emotional state after receiving the news, i wasn't exactly in the full awareness mode as it's freaking 5 am and i just sat there, numb and stoned on the dining table, with a piece of apple and a knife in my hand. suddenly, my cousin brother,who was staying in our office, which was 10 seconds away (by running), came to our place and said they were being robbed and told us to quickly go and help out.

Sitting on the dining table, I got up and ran out of the house through the backdoor (it's a long explanation why we use the backdoor as the main entry/exit) towards the office. When I was out of the house, my eldest sister was informed of the situation, and she got into her Hilux and reversed to chase after the robbers. My brother in law was in my mom's garden, grabbing a 3ft long stick with 2 inches diameter and ran out from the house. I was of course, unconsciously, running out of the house with a knife in my hand. When I was out of the house, i saw my sister's car reversing and two motorcycles being blocked, one of the motorcyclists asked us what happened. we didnt reply, i thought of asking their help to check the office about the robbery instead, i just ran ahead to the office, and my cousins and aunty reported that the robbers had left.

i quickly ran home fearing that they targeted my house instead because the doors were opened as we were loading the food and offerings/prayer stuffs into the back of the car, and wanted to get my handphone to call the police. But then again, I dont exactly know how to report the situation and I thought my cousin would have made the emergency call. So, i checked with my sister in the car on what happened and she told me, they were trying to nab my cousin sister who came down from the office carrying the offerings to the cemetery and the motorcycles that were blocked by my sister's car was the one involved in the entire scene.

We were quite pissed off as my cousin should've mentioned clearly that it was the stupid motorcyclists that were the culprits and my sister would drive them flat, and i could somewhat inflict some injury with my puny apple knife. that's for messing with OUR family. instead, we let the bastards get away, on top of that, my sister rammed into my car when she was reversing and dented the passenger door. my car could be considered a aluminium can compared to my sister's truck.

we were very agitated with the misinformation by my cousin, and along the way to the cemetery which was an hour drive frm my house, i was just so angry at the fact that one of the motorist was holding a knife pointing at my sister in the car as if warning her.

my saturday was a horrible one to begin with. when we were at the cemetery, i tried to forget about the entire event, and went on with prayers and offering and my mood got a little better. at the graveyard, i managed to enjoy the prayers and ceremonies, celebrate our family life cherishing my dad's memories in front of him. it's really an annual family event that I can no longer wish to avoid. after all the happy mood, we left the cemetery and reach home close to noon after travailing the bad traffic.

We were informed that my grandpa's funeral service will be held the same day at 8 pm. i had a wedding dinner to attend, so i decided to go for the more cheerful event as I have enough of unhappy memory for the day.

at the wedding dinner, i arrived late because i overslept. too exhausted from the early dramas. it was a slightly quiet evening for me although i somehow manage to forget about some unhappy things for a short while. it was a nice wedding dinner because i get to see how others are doing in life and basically listen to stories and share jokes and laughs were useful enough to keep my mind off things for a cumulated half hour.

On Sunday, i attended the last service for my grandpa. I had trouble finding something to wear because all my clothes are either bright colored, striking or flowery. I finally manage to get an old top and looked like as if i'm in mourning. My exhaustion from the labwork for the week, preparations for Cheng Bing and long drive made it more convincing. When we arrive for the service, we started with some singing followed by a 'talk/speech' or an eulogy. My family alone are Taoists but I am not a strong practitioner. I'm just very Chinese cultured, not overly religious still, I have short attention span if you get what i mean. I didnt enjoy the entire funeral because it's nothing to be enjoyed, plus, our relationship with that side of the family is barely anything to talk about. We visit my father's side of the family once a year (i.e. during Chinese New Year) and maybe drop by to see how is my Alzheimer grandpa is doing occasionally. That would add the count to about less than 5 times a year. Even the questions asked when my family meet with that side of the family is always the same... "how old are you now?" or "what are you doing now?".

The sad thing about bad blood is ... when you attend a funeral, everything is behind you and the entire thing is over. Although it was already over and we have been asked to forgive them, it's REALLY REALLY over when the entity that symbolizes the events that happen is gone. So, when we look back, our entire life, of what do I remember about my grandfather is that he didnt get along with us very well. It became even worse at my dad's passing and it wasnt something really easy for us to get over it.

Of course, my dad passed away in 1996, and that was something that happened 12 years ago, but today, being with my dad's family side brings me back to a lot of memories of my dad which almost brings tears to my eyes. The entire funeral was difficult to go through because they talked about what my grandpa has done and how he was to others, and we, his grandchildren, doesnt even know him all that well. My second sister asked my eldest sister, what kinda person was my grandfather like? And she couldnt even answer. I was unable to feel sad for the passing of my grandpa, but when I look at my uncles and aunties crying at the last sight before he was sent into the crematorium, it was very heart wrenching. Perhaps it was a reminder of the feelings I had when I lost someone dear to me which I can relate to, but my grandfather, to me, is just the person who fathered my father. I couldnt be upset because he is gone now and the sadder thing is, I am more upset I have one less relative to visit during Chinese New Year. I wonder if I'm actually misclassified since humans are warm-blooded mammals.

I wonder how would things be after this. We did have tea with the side of the family, and talked about tracing our ancestors and such. My mom pointed out to them that none of us, knows the name of my paternal grandma whom incidentally passed away in 1998 which we didnt attend her funeral because of the timing as well as the bad blood. I still cant remember her name although my aunt did mention it to us when the subject was brought out.

At the moment, i guess it's only humane to feel lost because of all the incidents that have happened. I am still a little distressed about the after effect of a funeral, and agitated with the fact that my cousin decided NOT to report to the police. Yet, Monday will be a day I have to worry about my car because I need to fix the dented door.
Life truly is a drama and it just keeps going on.