One of the many things that I am not good in is adapting to a changed plan. If this is about environmental changes and is a selective pressure, then I might be able to hang on and try to let natural selection work for me. But changes in my trips, especially for budgets is a big NO-NO. Last year, I planned to take my diving skills further, an activity in which I am deeply and affectionately involved, and made reservations with the dive resort to attend five specialty courses, Peak performance buoyancy, underwater photography, deep diver, enriched air nitrox and wreck dive. I have reserved, paid downpayment of RM1000 for the courses in September 2007 and have confirmed that I will be on a budget, cutting down my expenses on everything just to take the courses. NO, I will not sacrifice any of the dive course so that I can eat. That's how adamant I am to take my diving skills further and how much a maniac I am for diving and the underwater world.

In 2 weeks or so, my long awaited trip, for the sake of advancement of skills and another milestone in life to be achieved came with some unexpected changes in budget. I was initially informed that my accommodation will be RM20 a night, of which the resort was closed down this year, and I had to settle with the next best thing at RM40, if not, RM50 a night. It's the change in budget that I cant afford, and I totally despise, changes in budget. Plus, I have also need to allocate some spare funds which have already been exhausted to attend a wedding reception in a nearby island, of which, requires me to PAY to get to the island, as well as providing 'ang pau' for the beloved bride. Not that I am complaining about that but the issue is, changes in budget. I mean, RM40-50? Are you kidding me? I have no time for sudden close down of cheap resort. This just isn't happening.

So what can I do? Well.. I could start by robbing the bank. But that is something of high risk. Then, I could hope that my income from my part-time job (in February and March) will finally be processed and the check will be issued by that time... then again, looking at the management of the people in the bursary, i think they are still processing the payroll of part timers from last year's October.. the fastest. I'll be grateful if i get a paycheck THIS bloody year. Maybe I should rob the bank. Is this why the country's crime rate is high and steadily increasing?

And what do I have to say? Yes, I am the kind of person that make THIS much noise when I need to pay an extra RM150 for a roof over my head during a trip. Why do people tolerate this kind of things? I deemed this unnecessary because it was unforeseen that a resort can close down in such a tourist spot especially at RM20 a night. I wasn't born yesterday, and the last time I checked, I am only an idiot, not mentally retarded. I will have to make calls to the resort directly instead of asking the dive centre to make the reservation for me, just to really confirm if the resort really closed down. Please dont have this misconception that I am a rich brat paying RM2300 for 5 dive courses and cant afford to pay RM250 for accommodation. My budget is not for you to criticize and however I want to spend my money or whatever amount that I have allocated for this purpose, solely is for ME to decide. Plus, if i decide on something for ME, saving RM2300 might be a pain but to me it's all worth it because it amounts to the satisfaction I derive after accomplishing this task. So, painting me as a rich brat paying RM2300 for 5 freaking dive course is not fair, because it was my hard earned money, saved a single cent at a time, all for the sake of accomplishing something and reaching one of the important milestone in MY LIFE. So no one, and i mean NO-god-damned-ONE, can take the opportunity to leech even half a cent out of this matter. This just cannot be done. It's business for you, but to me, this is personal. (-_-)

Random thought: Why am I suddenly blogging again? I dont know. Stress?

I finally got my first draft of thesis back from my professor for review. Quite a number of things to rectify. Well, I'm only human. Cant be perfect and dont intend to be.

Work aside. How am I doing lately? Basically, I was watching Boston Legal till 2 a.m. last night, and kinda late for this morning's appointment with prof. Nothing great happened today, nothing bad either, so I guess it's a good day.

I spent my day with my labmate, a friend whom I have gotten very acquainted to when I am doing my postgraduate studies. She has been a source of encouragement for me, to push me to do my work when I'm often plague with laziness. I think I am very lucky in life to be able to meet people who always wants to lend a helping hand for a scumbag like me. Thank you god for people like this.

Today, we had Banana Leaf Rice which is awesome. Never enjoyed vegetables this much. I could be a vegetarian and discard my evil carnivorous days. We chatted about how people helped us and what are our plans after graduate school. Basically, she is going to South Korea for her postdoctoral training, and how I wish I could go with her too. I guess I only have this year to finish up my graduate school studies and I am OBLIGED to start working.

My mom and I have been in the wrong astrological position and was bickering about MY future ever since 2008 came. The neverending "I thought you have finished your Masters?". Okay.. fine. Although I am a reasonably transparent, I still am very secretive about my life. Especially to my family. None of them knew of my intention to continue my PhD and from the plans that I have in mind (i.e. trying to get out of grad school this year), it seems like it's impossible to finish my PhD project in such a short period of time. Anyway, the reasons why I wasnt all too enthusiastic of telling them of my intention was mainly because I want it to be a surprise for them. Kinda like getting them to come for my convocation (if they ever want to come) and shocked to death when I actually get a PhD. Evil indeed. It's just something that I want them to be proud of, that I can do it on my own, if they will just leave me alone and dont spoil my surprise. Oops.. I should vow not to have the habit of pushing people away from my life too.

I was a pain in the arse and probably am still a pain in the neck. I dont speak badly of my own family but, I do think that I have been successfully playing the role of the useless spoilt brat who refuses to shoulder responsibilities of adulthood i.e. GROW UP. Partly, I do feel like staying sheltered in school forever, but mostly, more than anything, I want to succeed in life. I guess I will just need to do one thing at a time, starting with finishing what I have started.

So, reality checks in. Just finish my studies and work. For the government, for private, for any slave drivers who needs bums like me to work for them.

Written, 7th April 2008, Monday.

Woebegone. I tried not to let myself be upset about the entire death-of-a-relative issue, accident, kidnap incidences but it still bothers me... I read in my horoscope for this year that I shouldn't dwell on unhappy events because it will ruin my lucky stars. *smacks my face and tries to cheer up

today, i made an attempt to feel better by eating healthy. I had blended fruits for breakfast, no carbohydrate food for lunch. then to feel better, i had McDonald's ice cream with choco top for tea and vegetables for dinner. I even went to that anti-oxidant sauna trial with my mom and sweat my ass off. Or at least tried to sweat my ass off.

One good thing happened today. Last year, my friend and I was commissioned a job for a certain someone and we were promised a pay of RM1000. Upon confirmation, we have gotten half the amount, and we were supposed to get the remaining half when we finish the job. The thing is, when we finished the job, we were told that it was a horrible job and she has to do the editing. Excuse me, she's the editor/author, if she is not going to edit it, then who is? stupid cow. so where's my money?

the money was forgotten. a total loss. I forgot about my RM250 share until suddenly, she told us that the work is published and decided to pay us the remaining RM500. hurrah for money! We split the amount, RM250 each, and then my friend suggested us to go for yoga. Actually, i wanted to attend pilates, since i have been diagnosed with bone problems, i thought it would be better for me. I have scoliosis and chondromalacia patella. one day, i'm going to look like Quasimodo if i dont do something about this. Signing up for the course takes RM200, and i only have RM50 left. And that, goes straight into the 'ang pau' for an upcoming wedding that I will be attending. So much for having money.

This month, I have to save up for my Perhentian Dive trip. I have a total of RM6.40 to last me the entire month, and have been TRYING my best to avoid anything that requires me to pay cash. Take the toll-less road, plan my labwork so that I dont have to come every damn day for petrol saving. Sadly, I still cant save enough to pay for this month's fee for my classes. damn.

I shall have to put some serum on my face to induce thicker face and ask RM65 from my mom. Shame on me. Yes, I am once again depressed despite my effort to feel better.

Vicious cycle.

it's been a while since the 'phd event'/the last blog. oh well.

time really flies. in just 2 months, so many things happened. but then again, i guess you dont need to wait 2 months for a lot of things to happen. many things can happen within a day, or in a same hour of a morning.

On saturday morning, 5th April, was Cheng Bing Day, a day we visit the graveyards of our beloved to pay respects and present some offerings. In my family, we usually depart for the graveyard (to visit my father), early in the morning to escape the scorching sun and traffic jam. it's usually by 6 am, we will leave the house and head to the cemetery. that morning, at 5 am, news came that my paternal grandfather passed away. To begin with, it didnt really bother me that much because our relationship cannot be described as grandchildren sitting on his lap and listening to stories or having the opportunities to take walks with grandpa. He was a very strict man, usually scares us into silence (which is quite impossible) and every time we visit him, we remarkably can huddle up, all seven of us, in a 3-seater couch. On top of that, we can also stay quiet and mute for the entire period, other than greeting the elders. That was basically a description of how my family's relationship with my grandpa.

that morning, as i was deciphering my exact emotional state after receiving the news, i wasn't exactly in the full awareness mode as it's freaking 5 am and i just sat there, numb and stoned on the dining table, with a piece of apple and a knife in my hand. suddenly, my cousin brother,who was staying in our office, which was 10 seconds away (by running), came to our place and said they were being robbed and told us to quickly go and help out.

Sitting on the dining table, I got up and ran out of the house through the backdoor (it's a long explanation why we use the backdoor as the main entry/exit) towards the office. When I was out of the house, my eldest sister was informed of the situation, and she got into her Hilux and reversed to chase after the robbers. My brother in law was in my mom's garden, grabbing a 3ft long stick with 2 inches diameter and ran out from the house. I was of course, unconsciously, running out of the house with a knife in my hand. When I was out of the house, i saw my sister's car reversing and two motorcycles being blocked, one of the motorcyclists asked us what happened. we didnt reply, i thought of asking their help to check the office about the robbery instead, i just ran ahead to the office, and my cousins and aunty reported that the robbers had left.

i quickly ran home fearing that they targeted my house instead because the doors were opened as we were loading the food and offerings/prayer stuffs into the back of the car, and wanted to get my handphone to call the police. But then again, I dont exactly know how to report the situation and I thought my cousin would have made the emergency call. So, i checked with my sister in the car on what happened and she told me, they were trying to nab my cousin sister who came down from the office carrying the offerings to the cemetery and the motorcycles that were blocked by my sister's car was the one involved in the entire scene.

We were quite pissed off as my cousin should've mentioned clearly that it was the stupid motorcyclists that were the culprits and my sister would drive them flat, and i could somewhat inflict some injury with my puny apple knife. that's for messing with OUR family. instead, we let the bastards get away, on top of that, my sister rammed into my car when she was reversing and dented the passenger door. my car could be considered a aluminium can compared to my sister's truck.

we were very agitated with the misinformation by my cousin, and along the way to the cemetery which was an hour drive frm my house, i was just so angry at the fact that one of the motorist was holding a knife pointing at my sister in the car as if warning her.

my saturday was a horrible one to begin with. when we were at the cemetery, i tried to forget about the entire event, and went on with prayers and offering and my mood got a little better. at the graveyard, i managed to enjoy the prayers and ceremonies, celebrate our family life cherishing my dad's memories in front of him. it's really an annual family event that I can no longer wish to avoid. after all the happy mood, we left the cemetery and reach home close to noon after travailing the bad traffic.

We were informed that my grandpa's funeral service will be held the same day at 8 pm. i had a wedding dinner to attend, so i decided to go for the more cheerful event as I have enough of unhappy memory for the day.

at the wedding dinner, i arrived late because i overslept. too exhausted from the early dramas. it was a slightly quiet evening for me although i somehow manage to forget about some unhappy things for a short while. it was a nice wedding dinner because i get to see how others are doing in life and basically listen to stories and share jokes and laughs were useful enough to keep my mind off things for a cumulated half hour.

On Sunday, i attended the last service for my grandpa. I had trouble finding something to wear because all my clothes are either bright colored, striking or flowery. I finally manage to get an old top and looked like as if i'm in mourning. My exhaustion from the labwork for the week, preparations for Cheng Bing and long drive made it more convincing. When we arrive for the service, we started with some singing followed by a 'talk/speech' or an eulogy. My family alone are Taoists but I am not a strong practitioner. I'm just very Chinese cultured, not overly religious still, I have short attention span if you get what i mean. I didnt enjoy the entire funeral because it's nothing to be enjoyed, plus, our relationship with that side of the family is barely anything to talk about. We visit my father's side of the family once a year (i.e. during Chinese New Year) and maybe drop by to see how is my Alzheimer grandpa is doing occasionally. That would add the count to about less than 5 times a year. Even the questions asked when my family meet with that side of the family is always the same... "how old are you now?" or "what are you doing now?".

The sad thing about bad blood is ... when you attend a funeral, everything is behind you and the entire thing is over. Although it was already over and we have been asked to forgive them, it's REALLY REALLY over when the entity that symbolizes the events that happen is gone. So, when we look back, our entire life, of what do I remember about my grandfather is that he didnt get along with us very well. It became even worse at my dad's passing and it wasnt something really easy for us to get over it.

Of course, my dad passed away in 1996, and that was something that happened 12 years ago, but today, being with my dad's family side brings me back to a lot of memories of my dad which almost brings tears to my eyes. The entire funeral was difficult to go through because they talked about what my grandpa has done and how he was to others, and we, his grandchildren, doesnt even know him all that well. My second sister asked my eldest sister, what kinda person was my grandfather like? And she couldnt even answer. I was unable to feel sad for the passing of my grandpa, but when I look at my uncles and aunties crying at the last sight before he was sent into the crematorium, it was very heart wrenching. Perhaps it was a reminder of the feelings I had when I lost someone dear to me which I can relate to, but my grandfather, to me, is just the person who fathered my father. I couldnt be upset because he is gone now and the sadder thing is, I am more upset I have one less relative to visit during Chinese New Year. I wonder if I'm actually misclassified since humans are warm-blooded mammals.

I wonder how would things be after this. We did have tea with the side of the family, and talked about tracing our ancestors and such. My mom pointed out to them that none of us, knows the name of my paternal grandma whom incidentally passed away in 1998 which we didnt attend her funeral because of the timing as well as the bad blood. I still cant remember her name although my aunt did mention it to us when the subject was brought out.

At the moment, i guess it's only humane to feel lost because of all the incidents that have happened. I am still a little distressed about the after effect of a funeral, and agitated with the fact that my cousin decided NOT to report to the police. Yet, Monday will be a day I have to worry about my car because I need to fix the dented door.
Life truly is a drama and it just keeps going on.

I am just trying to graduate with a PhD. So I went to a conversion exam today and it SUCKS.

okay...if you actually understand then, fine. if u dont, it doesnt matter. it's just a vent.

it started with a 15 minutes presentation involving 52 slides, with interjection of questions during presentation. along the presentation i was randomly asked to clarify some terms, like what are my samples and what are the mechanism involved in toxicity (incidentally, not relevant to my study). of coz i dont know how to answer the mechanism of toxicity but i just briefed them what does my statement means. after that, the bombing begins, i was asked abt my objectives of study, and if i have completed them (yes i did) and then, they asked my why i use ready-to-eat cereals and not follow the Food Act definition LAW of PROCESSED FOOD instead. so they said my TITLE is wrong. (my impression was clear that ppl who comments on the title means they couldnt find any other things to comment on).then.... they moved on to COMMENTING on the samples and said that if Bacillus cereus were so common in milk or fried rice, why NOT do milk or fried rice. i explained that the research was funded by ministry and it's to assess risk related to cereals and apparently, they said i was wrong. and said that i dont have the ability to THINK. (a good retort would be, them not having the ability to hear nor think).

it went on to other non-related questions which I really couldnt remember anymore, because i brushed them off as it is NOT relevant to the field that i am in, FOOD SAFETY. and i was asked what is the SOURCE of contamination, which i discussed that there are probable sources/factors that affects the enumeration but i did not look into identifying the source because it wasnt in the objective. so if it's not in the objective, then shud I have the answer? NO.. and thus, the second conclusion of them saying that I'm stupid.

AND THEN, in my proposal, i said a survival study shud be carry out to understand the risk relevant to storage period, and i dont know why i was told to analyze the INGREDIENTS of cereals. i defended it that this is a risk study on consumption of cereals products and consumers, eat the entire cereal products and not one single ingredient separately. and then, i was told "MY DEAR, YOU NEED TO DO ANALYSIS ON INGREDIENTS TO IDENTIFY THE PROBLEMS. This shows me that your mentality is not a phd material and u r just a junior researcher mentality.' of course i tried to defend myself, and it failed.

then the inevitable question came, what is the general hypothesis of your research? godness. f*ck off with hypothesis. i braved myself and said that THERE IS NO hypothesis in this research, non-relevant, but 4 associate professors said THERE IS A HYPOTHESIS IN EVERY RESEARCH. and i said it is to see whether the spores are prevailing after the processes and I WAS WRONG in hypothesis identification because, if that is the hypothesis, then my entire research is wrong. i was told that to prove that hypothesis, i would have to do a study before and after the industrial processes. Yeeaaaahhh...

other (harsh) questions asked was "what are your excellence?", "why do you need to convert?", because conversion are only applicable for special/extraordinary cases, which they dont see it in me (yes, they said that to me to my face).

'what are the reasons of you asking for the conversion and WHY must we give it to you?". unfortunately, I dont know why i almost cried when answering this question. i said, i am serious about getting this phd and i can work for it. if u ask me what are my incentives then i said next year is my mom's 60th bday and i dont wanna be in postgrad school anymore, and it's just an incentive to do go all the way for her. that's all. and they laughed at me. sigh. i'm so embarassed.

and then kena again "this is your last chance to prove yourself. what are your contributions to food safety?" and as i answered, dr 1 turned away from me and laughed while dr 2 tried not to laugh, dr 3 was just looking away and i dont remember what dr 4 said.

inevitably unnecessarily humiliating myself, finally dr 1 ended it saying "we've heard enough from you and we will finalize with gso and a report. we will get back to you in due time.'
from the looks of it, of coz i failed.

i hate them now. i'm torn between cussing them into oblivion, or graciously forget about it. I think because I'm a woman, i have the rights to go ahead and vent out.

the bloody fudging committee has reached the decision of failing me before i even started. the main point of me being there was just to torture my ass, made me wait for 2 hours for their excellency to arrive, interrupt me during my presentation, and finally insulted my incentives/objectives on why I wanted to get a PhD. oh well. good lesson anyway.

Well, one thing GREAT about this is that, even THEY failed their professorship because THEY arent that great after all! HAH! SCREW YOU!

It's a Sunday, the 2nd weekend of the year. I've not done anything to help myself get started with a better life and worse, I've just bought my 3rd pair of shoes this year. I went to Berjaya Time Square yesterday to exchange my shoes for a bigger size and a different color, and ended up grabbing another pair of funky shoes (to me) at RM19 (after the 50% discount). It's a curse to my pocket.

My trip to Korea/Beijing now seemed like it was something that happened so long ago. I could never pinpoint my exact sentiments on the trip, it was neither the best time of my life, nor it was the worst ever. But I am not looking forward to visit these two places for a variety of reasons one of it being the financial factor. I spent a total RM5000 and gained 5kg on this trip for the 12 days I was there. Unbelievable.

I didn't particularly enjoy the Chinese cuisine in China. My first meal in China was bad because I ordered the hotpot salted chicken and it looks more like "Salted Chicken Bones" to me, and first impressions are always important. After that, I was more conservative in my meals and sticked to some fast food options like Japanese food and KFC. hah. For my last meal, I decided to go all out and looked for the best place to have the infamous Beijing Duck. It costs me RM70 for that dinner and ... I'm still reasonably grossed out from the amount of OIL on the duck which contributed to my weight gain. So, I stereotypically judged Chinese food (in Beijing) is very unhealthy and it's just wayy too salty and oily.

The year of 2008 feels like an important year for me. My 'intuition' tells me that this year, I've to do "something" or it'll be never. Though I havent quite figure out what exactly is the "something" that I have to do. As far as I'm concerned, it definitely has NOTHING to do with relationships. Most probably career or financial development.

Eventhough it's the 13th day of the year, I ended up still procrastinating my analysis on my research results that I have obtained since November 2007 and I deserve nothing but DEATH for this. I've promised myself, that I should finish up the analysis and write up a paper/publication for this part of research. Also, to lose the weight I got from the stupid trip last year.

It wasn't available online but I think this is absolutely required. So i'm posting it here, so that when people GOOGLE it, they can find that THIS IS A SCAM. I hope you haven't paid the USD950 for 'handling' fees yet. Lucky thing I noticed.

ELSEVIER:
BUILDING INSIGHTS; BREAKING BOUNDARIES
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