it's been a while since the 'phd event'/the last blog. oh well.

time really flies. in just 2 months, so many things happened. but then again, i guess you dont need to wait 2 months for a lot of things to happen. many things can happen within a day, or in a same hour of a morning.

On saturday morning, 5th April, was Cheng Bing Day, a day we visit the graveyards of our beloved to pay respects and present some offerings. In my family, we usually depart for the graveyard (to visit my father), early in the morning to escape the scorching sun and traffic jam. it's usually by 6 am, we will leave the house and head to the cemetery. that morning, at 5 am, news came that my paternal grandfather passed away. To begin with, it didnt really bother me that much because our relationship cannot be described as grandchildren sitting on his lap and listening to stories or having the opportunities to take walks with grandpa. He was a very strict man, usually scares us into silence (which is quite impossible) and every time we visit him, we remarkably can huddle up, all seven of us, in a 3-seater couch. On top of that, we can also stay quiet and mute for the entire period, other than greeting the elders. That was basically a description of how my family's relationship with my grandpa.

that morning, as i was deciphering my exact emotional state after receiving the news, i wasn't exactly in the full awareness mode as it's freaking 5 am and i just sat there, numb and stoned on the dining table, with a piece of apple and a knife in my hand. suddenly, my cousin brother,who was staying in our office, which was 10 seconds away (by running), came to our place and said they were being robbed and told us to quickly go and help out.

Sitting on the dining table, I got up and ran out of the house through the backdoor (it's a long explanation why we use the backdoor as the main entry/exit) towards the office. When I was out of the house, my eldest sister was informed of the situation, and she got into her Hilux and reversed to chase after the robbers. My brother in law was in my mom's garden, grabbing a 3ft long stick with 2 inches diameter and ran out from the house. I was of course, unconsciously, running out of the house with a knife in my hand. When I was out of the house, i saw my sister's car reversing and two motorcycles being blocked, one of the motorcyclists asked us what happened. we didnt reply, i thought of asking their help to check the office about the robbery instead, i just ran ahead to the office, and my cousins and aunty reported that the robbers had left.

i quickly ran home fearing that they targeted my house instead because the doors were opened as we were loading the food and offerings/prayer stuffs into the back of the car, and wanted to get my handphone to call the police. But then again, I dont exactly know how to report the situation and I thought my cousin would have made the emergency call. So, i checked with my sister in the car on what happened and she told me, they were trying to nab my cousin sister who came down from the office carrying the offerings to the cemetery and the motorcycles that were blocked by my sister's car was the one involved in the entire scene.

We were quite pissed off as my cousin should've mentioned clearly that it was the stupid motorcyclists that were the culprits and my sister would drive them flat, and i could somewhat inflict some injury with my puny apple knife. that's for messing with OUR family. instead, we let the bastards get away, on top of that, my sister rammed into my car when she was reversing and dented the passenger door. my car could be considered a aluminium can compared to my sister's truck.

we were very agitated with the misinformation by my cousin, and along the way to the cemetery which was an hour drive frm my house, i was just so angry at the fact that one of the motorist was holding a knife pointing at my sister in the car as if warning her.

my saturday was a horrible one to begin with. when we were at the cemetery, i tried to forget about the entire event, and went on with prayers and offering and my mood got a little better. at the graveyard, i managed to enjoy the prayers and ceremonies, celebrate our family life cherishing my dad's memories in front of him. it's really an annual family event that I can no longer wish to avoid. after all the happy mood, we left the cemetery and reach home close to noon after travailing the bad traffic.

We were informed that my grandpa's funeral service will be held the same day at 8 pm. i had a wedding dinner to attend, so i decided to go for the more cheerful event as I have enough of unhappy memory for the day.

at the wedding dinner, i arrived late because i overslept. too exhausted from the early dramas. it was a slightly quiet evening for me although i somehow manage to forget about some unhappy things for a short while. it was a nice wedding dinner because i get to see how others are doing in life and basically listen to stories and share jokes and laughs were useful enough to keep my mind off things for a cumulated half hour.

On Sunday, i attended the last service for my grandpa. I had trouble finding something to wear because all my clothes are either bright colored, striking or flowery. I finally manage to get an old top and looked like as if i'm in mourning. My exhaustion from the labwork for the week, preparations for Cheng Bing and long drive made it more convincing. When we arrive for the service, we started with some singing followed by a 'talk/speech' or an eulogy. My family alone are Taoists but I am not a strong practitioner. I'm just very Chinese cultured, not overly religious still, I have short attention span if you get what i mean. I didnt enjoy the entire funeral because it's nothing to be enjoyed, plus, our relationship with that side of the family is barely anything to talk about. We visit my father's side of the family once a year (i.e. during Chinese New Year) and maybe drop by to see how is my Alzheimer grandpa is doing occasionally. That would add the count to about less than 5 times a year. Even the questions asked when my family meet with that side of the family is always the same... "how old are you now?" or "what are you doing now?".

The sad thing about bad blood is ... when you attend a funeral, everything is behind you and the entire thing is over. Although it was already over and we have been asked to forgive them, it's REALLY REALLY over when the entity that symbolizes the events that happen is gone. So, when we look back, our entire life, of what do I remember about my grandfather is that he didnt get along with us very well. It became even worse at my dad's passing and it wasnt something really easy for us to get over it.

Of course, my dad passed away in 1996, and that was something that happened 12 years ago, but today, being with my dad's family side brings me back to a lot of memories of my dad which almost brings tears to my eyes. The entire funeral was difficult to go through because they talked about what my grandpa has done and how he was to others, and we, his grandchildren, doesnt even know him all that well. My second sister asked my eldest sister, what kinda person was my grandfather like? And she couldnt even answer. I was unable to feel sad for the passing of my grandpa, but when I look at my uncles and aunties crying at the last sight before he was sent into the crematorium, it was very heart wrenching. Perhaps it was a reminder of the feelings I had when I lost someone dear to me which I can relate to, but my grandfather, to me, is just the person who fathered my father. I couldnt be upset because he is gone now and the sadder thing is, I am more upset I have one less relative to visit during Chinese New Year. I wonder if I'm actually misclassified since humans are warm-blooded mammals.

I wonder how would things be after this. We did have tea with the side of the family, and talked about tracing our ancestors and such. My mom pointed out to them that none of us, knows the name of my paternal grandma whom incidentally passed away in 1998 which we didnt attend her funeral because of the timing as well as the bad blood. I still cant remember her name although my aunt did mention it to us when the subject was brought out.

At the moment, i guess it's only humane to feel lost because of all the incidents that have happened. I am still a little distressed about the after effect of a funeral, and agitated with the fact that my cousin decided NOT to report to the police. Yet, Monday will be a day I have to worry about my car because I need to fix the dented door.
Life truly is a drama and it just keeps going on.